Snakes on a Plane is Terrible. Go See It.

Is this the right movie? Is that a beach with surfers and chicks? Is that a Jack Johnson song playing in the background?

Did I accidentally wander into the sequel to that terrible/amazing chick surfer movie that everyone saw but no one admits to seeing?

Even when the name "Samuel L. Jackson" appears on the screen, I have doubts, because, as Chris Griffin astutely notes in "Brian Goes to Hollywood", Samuel L. Jackson is in EVERYTHING.

Never fear. This is, in fact, "Snakes on a Plane", and the crowd is bursting with ironic hysteria.

I'm not a big fan of irony. I've been through the RATT poster/trucker hat/Prairie View A&M ROTC tee shirt phase, and it taught me that false sincerity done with a deadpan is actually much funnier than irony, even though people sometimes think that you're dorky/conservative/a racist asshole.

With my hatred of irony in mind, I debated my theater choice fairly carefully. I had two options:

1) This jacked-up new movie theater near Penn's campus with ASSIGNED SEATING (no lie). College kids love irony. Unfortunately, college irony is EXTREMELY basic; shit like: "This is the greatest movie ever. " "Samuel L. deserves an Oscar." "I'm gonna laugh at every line, even those that aren't funny." Vomit.

2) The ghetto theater. Watching movies with black people is fucking hilarious, because they talk the ENTIRE time. Unfortunately I'm white, so going to the ghetto theater means that people are constantly staring at me and trying to sell me things. Sucks.

In the end, I opt for the assigned seats and the irony, mostly because I don't feel like getting stared-at.

The plot is fairly basic: Surfer dude witnesses murder committed by famous Asian gangster. Surfer dude decides to fly to Los Angeles accompanied by FBI agent Samuel L. Jackson so that he can testify and put famous Asian gangster behind bars. Famous Asian gangster, in an attempt to kill surfer dude, places a shitload of angry snakes on the plane and sprays them with aggressive juice. Snakes infiltrate plane and cause chaos.

I was a tough sell. I was pulling the stoic shit at first, i.e. refusing to laugh while all the silly college students around me laughed hysterically at the fact that they were laughing hysterically at a really stupid movie. However, once the snakes start attacking, it's impossible not to enjoy yourself. Every type of awful death-by snake scenario is played out in full, including the scene where the British asshole gets crushed and eaten whole by a python. Time and time again I lose my shit. I become one with the irony. When SLJ says his "muthafuckin snakes" line, I applaud with the rest. How droll.

The movie is everything you'd expect. If you're afraid of snakes, don't go. If you're afraid of flying, don't go. If you're afraid of neither, the one scene where the chick who's having sex in the plane bathroom gets bit in the nipple is probably worth the $10.