Mets vs. Phillies 8/14-18: Game 1

Upon entering Citizens Bank Park (the Cit) on August 14th, I ponder my first dilemma of the evening. The $12 ticket that I'm clutching in my hand is the cheapest way into the building for a reason; the view is obstructed by the right-field foul pole. So instead of sitting in my awesome seat I decide to watch the game from the standing room section. The problem is that I also like to go watch the pitchers warm up before the game, and I'm afraid that if I go out to the bullpen I'll lose my prime standing spot right behind home plate. The hated Mets are, after all, a big draw.

Coin Toss.

Heads: Watch Pitchers
Tails: Stake Turf

Tails it is.

I claim the best standing location and settle in for what promises to be quite a game. The pitchers are Cole Hamels, Philly's rookie phenom, and Pedro Martinez, a future hall of famer. I prefer good pitching to good hitting, and I'm looking forward to a nice quick 3-2 Mets victory, with Martinez, the wily veteran, outdueling Hamels, the young buck. The top of the first lives up to my expectations. Hamels gives up one hit, but yields no runs.

The bottom of the first is less satisfying.

It starts off innocently enough. Leadoff hitter Jimmiy Rollins hits a single. Fine. A double play and we're back on track.

Then Rollins steals second, which not only breaks up the double play, but also gives Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca an opportunity to embarass himself by throwing the ball in the dirt. Not that he needs any help embarassing himself these days...

Lo Duca has recently become the primary subject of the New York Sports paparazzi's ire (taking the pressure off a grateful A-Rod). In addition to exposing his gambling "problem" (i.e. he likes to do it), they've also succeeded in laying bare his recent fling with a 19 year-old college student. Now consider that 1) Lo Duca is currently estranged from his Playmate wife, who lives in Texas and 2) he's a major league baseball player, who is probably surrounded by beautiful willing females from sun-up to sun-down, and ask yourself it you can blame the guy for getting a nut from some stupid college girl. Is he supposed to jerk off until his wife comes home? Give me a break. Still, that doesn't stop the New York press from pressing his face on the back of their shoddier sports pages (and, frankly, didn't stop me from buying a paper to read about it). Now he's officially getting divorced, and he'll lose significantly more than half.


After two hits and a walk, the score is 1-0 and the bases are loaded. Then, WITH THE BASES LOADED (I repeat), Pedro HITS Rowan. WHAT? How the fuck are you gonna hit a batter with the bases loaded? (2-0) It's fine. He'll recover. Wait. What? He did WHAT? HE BALKED???!!! He balked. The runners advance (3-0).

When he hits Coste (the second hit batter in a row)to load the bases, the boos that followed the first plunk have turned into cheers and jeers. The crowd now recognizes that the Mets ace has lost control. When Abraham Nunez, their 8th hitter, drills one in to the gap to clear the bases (6-0), all hope of a Mets victory has left. It's going to be a long night.

And a long night it was. With Cole Hamels pitching a fucking gem (8 innings, 3 hits, 0 walks, 0 runs), the most exciting thing that happened the rest of the night was a heated interracial lesbian make-out session on KissCam. Oh yeah, and...

After the bottom of the 5th, when Philly had taken a 13-0 lead, The Phucking Philly Phanatic, dressed in tails, rolls out on the field amidst deafening applause and does a dance routine to Sinatra's "New York New York." He finishes the number by smashing a Mets batting helmet with a sledgehammer and then doing a couple victory laps on his ATV.

Apparently Philly got a little break tonight from the little town blues. Tomorrow, I told myself, would be a different story. Let's Go Mets.