Mets vs. Phillies 8/14-18: Game 2

So terrorists are fucking geniuses. They've managed to fuck with my world twice in the past week.

1) As I board the bus home from New York, some tiny Indian dude announces himself as "greyhound security" and informs me that he will be searching my bag and prodding me with a metal detector. Resisting the urge to pat him on the head, call him cute, and walk past him onto he bus, I submit to the search, confident that I'll pass the inspection with flying colors.

Greyhound Security: (w/Indian accent) Your pockets, please.
Me: My what?
GS: Your POCKETS, please.
Me: Like, you want me to empty them?
GS: Yes.


So I empty my pockets into the little ash-tray container and his eyes light up like hot coals.

GS: I am going to have to keep these.
Me: My gum wrappers?
GS: No, sir, your weapons.
Me: My what?
GS: Your pocket knife and your lighter, sir.
Me: You can't take my pocket knife and my lighter.
GS: You cannot have them on the bus.
Me: But what if the bus breaks down and I need to walk back to civilization? I'll need my knife to fend off feral beasts and I'll need my lighter to provide fire, the gift of the gods.
GS: I am not taking your cellular phone, sir. You may call for assistance.
Me: It's out of batteries.
GS: Then you can use someone else's cellular phone.
Me: Okay, so what if China drops the bomb, and it's strategically placed to knock out all communication, and no cellular phones are operational? Then I'm fucked. I would need my knife and my lighter to survive.
GS: You cannot take them on the bus.


Terror Strikes!


2) Game 2 of our 4 game series. I approach the stadium with a gallon jug of water, planning to bring it inside and feed my oral fixation so that I don't resort to buying 5 dollar hot dogs.

Security: Sorry, sir, you can't bring that in here
Me: What?
S: That water. It's an open container.
M: It's water.
S: But it could be liquid explosives.
M: But it isn't. It's just water.
S: No open liquid containers are allowed in the stadium.
M: Don't you think that if I were trying to blow up the stadium I would make a little more effort to conceal my weapon?
S: Sometimes the best disguise is no disguise, especcially when your enemy is expecting one.
M: I disagree. The best disguise is always a fake mustache.
S: That's your opinion, sir.
M: So, since my water bottle isn't wearing a fake mustasche, you should let me bring it into the stadium.
S: The trash can is right there.

Terror Strikes!

In any case, Jose Reyes is my favorite player. I have his teeshirt jersey, so I have an active interest in his success/failure. When he has a good game, it makes me almost as happy as when the Mets win.

Thank God.

Reyes hit three home runs in a 11-4 loss. Two as a righty and one as a lefty. This is HUGE because it means that I can wear my Jose Reyes teeshirt jersey in Philly and no one can say a god-damned thing to me. He owns Philly like that Indian dude owns my knife.

BTW at my place of work I can get Swiss Army knives at cost, so if you want one, let me know.